A different type of pain.

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black woman, blog, dream, family, life, reflecting, relationships, sadness, single mother, Sociology, venting

It happens so suddenly. It’s like I was blindsided. Everyone knows the butterflies felt when you think you’ve found the one. You start planning out this whole life for yourself, and ” every little thing, is gonna be alright” . Then years pass & you start seeing things differently. Who is this person again? Did I ever even know you? I don’t even like you, hold up.

Well by now we should all know this is pretty normal. It does happen. It’s how you navigate through this phase that determines growth and longevity.

What happens when it seems like your stuck in this phase though? It’s like a constant cycle of I can’t stand you or what you represent mixed with holding on tight to anything good this person has done so you don’t feel as if your selling out to your inner self. So then it becomes ” he’s unapologetic, he doesn’t want to ever trust me, he doesn’t even listen to me…But he is always here for the kids”. My smarter singular mind knows this logic is the basis of abusive relationship cycles, but my “in a relationship ” mind states, he’s not hitting me, I’m just expecting too much from this person at this time.

This year however ( year 7 relationshipwise)I promised myself I can break bonds. If it’s not healthy, it’s toxic and can dampen your inner spirit. Living eating and breathing in the same household as someone who is willingly not effectively communicating with you hurts. It’s a slow erosion on the mind and on the spirit of love. 2018, real actions have to be made. I really wish it was simpler. People really do drift away from each other, and I am supposed to know, it’s ok. It will be okay.

STELLA

Learning always causes over-enthusiam

I’m currently enrolled in a kick ass on-line Sociology course. I say kick ass because I have learned so much information, that I honestly already knew, but It was re-assuring to read and verify with sources. This newbie of a country, America is so fascinating. I believe this because there is so much that we as humans take for granted by living here in an Industrialized country. Running water, Sanitation, free education, all these things are offered to an American citizen.

Now of course, I can go into the dirty dirty of what I am learning, and have experienced being an ‘African American’. First off I ALWAYS thought about the African in that title. I never ever ever EVER have touched any parts of the African continent. And sure, we can assume that because of the melanin in my skin, biologically I must have ancestors in that region. But honestly, without a clear linage record, I really have no clue. So personally, I say I’m black. ” Mommy, why do people call us black? Your  brown and I’m like…brown sand “. But you know what I said to my daughter? I said ” Well some people call individuals with skin tones like us black, other names are African american, but really Stop looking for a human approved title,you are you. Color of skin is like the color of hair, eyes, it serves no function…….

BUT i sigreas.

30’s ….life lessons

…..They came. They saw. No conquering YET! The thirties. So far all the shit from my twenties have come to me in my thirties, undisguised and attempted to make a fool of me.

I’ve buried both parents, had 2 children, learned the first child’s dad was a deadbeat ( how was I so blind?), and lost a close friend/sister to the “dating my ex ” club. Except it’s not just any ex, it’s my oldest child’s deadbeat dad. So far, my 30s are peachy keen 😎. Details of life stories to come. Just stay tuned my blog babies. ✌🏽🖖🏽🤘🏽

Estelle aka Stella

You better put that work in.

Tags

America, black woman, blog, dream, family, funny, generation x, nurse, opinion, random, real, real life, relationships, venting, woman

Hello!!! IT HAS BEEN TOO FUCKING LONG! 🤔😑 I have not kept up to my end of the blogging bargin and I apologize. I have been living wishing and hoping, kind of stuck. Instead of writing down my thoughts like I jntended to when I initially started this 3 years ago, I just let it become another abandoned baby thought. I love to express myself. I however am also a mother and in a relationship that does require different degrees of attention. I had also started new jobs along my career path and now am in a bit more of a settling mode, so I feel free to return to writing.

I have been continuing to take in knowledge and learning and studying new things. I have expanded in my nursing knowledge as well and am embracing being a Vascular nurse currently. I however still felt like I needed an outlet. Alot of thoughts have flowed in and out of my head, and I have so much to verbalize that I feel as if my immediate circle gets tired of me commenting in everything in life. I find that as I am growing into my own “truth” I feel as if I need to share my whole life story. I mean sure, my journey into nursing is interesting, but can’t you get the same generic views from any nurse? So I have decided that I will share my life journey sprinkled with nursing instead. I shall start in my next blog.

I have been doing some self evaluations and some self help book reading. I am all along the right track mentally, as I have always been fairly open minded, positive and welcoming as an individual. I just physically have to match that mentality. Ever since I’ve had children in have kind of stopped the active portion of “fulfilling your dreams” and put myself into this zone of work, raise your kids, feed your man. Although if you can successfully do those things and feel fulfilled, that is all you need to do. Me though? NAHHHHH FAM. My mind kept racing to I was not born for just THIS. I love my children and boyfriend, but come on, I love me too. So blogging is my self love, my perfect communication, my mental paradise. Here I can freely write and express any thought on my mind. So why not put my work in ( like John Henry , remember his story? Love Ezra Jack Keats version, grew up on it.) and start from my beginning? That way maybe you’ll understa d why I think how I think. Maybe I have twinsies out there who thought or think like me. Maybe I can get good feedback on how to include other things in my world or personality, anything’s possible. I’m taking the advice I’ve learned thus far and it’s time to just do. Until next time my day 1s.

Estelle~~~

Why are you so dumb?

Tags

America, blog, college, funny, opinion, Race, random, sarcastic, school, venting

Well not really YOU persay, but The collective YOU meaning US. Now a days we don’t fact check, we let electronic devices dictate our functions outside of necessity, and we have a President whom has been subject of headlines since he crossed over into politics. We continue to eat food that we know is ultimately killing us, and we continue to pollute the only place we can live ( for now), our planet earth. Once born, as humans our fate is pretty much sealed by who our parents are, what color we are, where we live, our socioeconomic status PERIOD.  We can choose to leave positive lasting effects on the earth, but  they are usually not recognized until generations later, if we are killed , or if we can pay up. But hey we can be written in or out of ” history” if necessary. Truly what do WE really know? Unless we treck the world to figure out our story we will never know, we will always be DUMB.

Feel that beat….

Love listening to music while doing trivial things such as washing dishes or cleaning….but sometimes I seem to get stuck. I start to become the music and It’s hard to seperate myself from what I’m listening to! Not that I gain the mood or the tone of the music necessarily, but I become so engrossed in the internal dance club that I lose track of time. 

Eclectic is the best way to describe my taste,  a little bit of everything and alot of hip hop, R&B and more alternative. I love listening to anything that catches a beat in my head, and allows my body to move freely to its beat. It’s a double bonus if the lyrics speak truth. 

Unfortunately today’s generation will not really know when music really was good and stood for things, unless they research where current songs are sampling from. Still hard to believe many of the greats are history, with age comes the deaths of childhood idols. 

Welp just some thoughts ……🤗🖖

Finally I feel free to speak my thoughts….

So I just turned 30! Thank you , yes it was a low key birthday but nice. I honestly am still waiting for the moment of feeling old will hit though. I know I’m not technically old yet, but 3 decades of formation is something in my book. I feel the veil of “caring what people say” starting to fade though. I can honestly separate people and their stupid comments or thoughts from the true individual they are and see them for that. So realizing that I have such an ability, I am sad to say I have many trump supporting friends 😑😳

I have never been a political type of girl. I say my little researched in put and go with what makes sense for the most part. Lately however with the recent spotlight on race related police tactics in the USA, I have been paying attention to these political rants and options being lobbied by the parties. It’s sad to think that in my new decade of life, the way I view this country and the the way it’s going, I feel uncertain. Being raised a Jehovahs witness, I always knew the world was messed up, not the way it was supposed to be, and it makes me feel as though I have to act in some way to secure a future for my girls ……it’s just me figuring out where does such future lie? The way the earth is being run its. It looking too promising.

….I’m back @$#%!

Tags

nurse, random

Well helloooooo oo there! Thanks to the mighty powers beyond me, and to my motivation: my 2 girls and to those who have helped me along my journey first and foremost. I DID IT! I FINISHED NURSING SCHOOL PASSED MY BOARDS AND AM NO LONGER A LPN BUT NOW A RN! That was the longest 2 years of my life but I have learned my strength as well as earned every accolade I have and will continue to strive for. I have always seen my name in lights in my head, and I will continue to strive. But anyyyyyywayyyssss. Back to this thing called life. I now am able to switch professions as I am what is called ” burned out” from the long term care settings. I am looking to learn as much as I can clinically and that just won’t do.

I lost my father back in February and feel as though through all of what is going on I continue to grieve. I feel as though he is at home a phone call away but then I go outside…..and I have his car……sober reminders.

Personal life wise….things are …funny. I am learning to laugh at things again because somehow along nursing school I lost my sense of humor. There is nothing funny when stressed and on the verge of breakdowns every semester lol. (See I can now laugh about that…out loud). My big 30th is this year…. and I want big things but I am wondering if I can make them all happen. Welllll….the blogs shall continue!!! Now that my humor is back and life is no longer hanging on the balance of exams……

Did you know that 80 year Olds are strung out on opiates as well? Not just the younger generation has a drug problem..randomn i know…until the next blog!!!!!

Nurse stella

Why Do I have this fire?

What a fire? PUT IT OUT! No, not that kind of fire silly. You know how it is, we are all humans, although many different looks, cultures , shapes and sizes, I feel there are things that are uniquely human such as the fire that lives within us. The fire that makes us as individuals decide to act, the fire that makes us wan to do something that we actually WANT to do. Why do we have that?

This fire inside me, it keeps pushing me to succeed. Ever since I was a child, success, that feeling of pure satisfaction within oneself, I have chased. I love to feel accomplished and to know that I DID IT MYSELF—–YES I MADE MYSELF FEEL HAPPY.

Now don’t get me wrong, I know that accomplishments should not be what out happiness in this world is based on. I mean, man, societies, have put specific values to different actions and they may see my accomplishment as a failure, and vice versa. However that’s a whole other discussion. I am talking about the fire that pushes us to follow after things that may not be the most practical, but we love it, the fire that makes us passionate about causes, the fire that can push us to accomplish what we normally would doubt when never tried. This fire is making me write every so often…this fire is making me feel as if I have so much more to offer to so many more people….this fire that you have too. Why do we have that?

 

 

❤ Stella

Conversations with the Demented

So on of my nights at work, I have decided to compile some of the strangest, sweetest and funniest things I have heard my elderly patients say in their demented state. Many times there are stories that are vividly being re-lived, good times remembered, and the occasional bad experience being brought back to the front of the mind. It is very interesting to listen and interact in the world of those with Alzheimer’s or Dementia, although very trying for the average individual. I guess that’s what makes me an awesome nurse, these conversations don’t scare me. I often times find myself pretending to be in their mind and wondering how this world they are living in appears to these patients.

“…He was so gentle and kind, like a true gentleman. And he did it just like that, being so kind he taught me how to dance!”

“…you couldn’t even go to your little babies birthday party…you had to drink! You should just be ashamed of yourself. ”

“I gotta carry all this right up that mountain hill.”

“I can’t live like this, I’ve done it for 25-30 years and that’s enough!”

“…make an asshole out of me huh…yeah right…”

“…All my money’s gone, everything’s out! you better get up here fast because I’m going out of town and I aint got no money. Spend it spend it spend it, spend it on you spend it on her….yeah I do look cute don’t I? You don’t like what I’m talking about huh, and I know it.”

” I changed my mind….I would never babysit you.”

” I am NOT going on welfare. I am 94 years old and I CAN WORK!”

I am only approaching 30 this year, but these individuals have inspired me to collect more quotes and to be HONEST and OPEN about MY feelings instead of being what this society wants me to be. Yes there is always truth in what the demented say……